Coffee date? Think again.

Looking for a coffee date? Order spaghetti instead! Here is why…

The people around you are expected to shape the person you will become and the future you might have – especially if they are your spouse. At the very least they will have a great influence on you and your life whether you are aware of it or not.

Dating is not just a formality – it’s a crucial process through which you discover if the girl or guy you were set up with or met online is really for you – and that’s a vital decision, as the person you end up marrying will shape your future and happiness.  

As 90-year-old Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffett said: “There have been two turning points in my life – One when I came out of the womb and one when I met Susie,” Buffett said of his first wife, who died in 2004. “What happened to me would not have happened without her.” 

In a conversation with Bill Gates in 2017 at Columbia University, Buffett said: “You want to associate with people who are the kind of person you’d like to be. You’ll move in that direction. And the most important person by far in that respect is your spouse. I can’t overemphasize how important that is.” 

“Marry the right person. I’m serious about that. It will make more difference in your life. It will change your aspirations, all kinds of things,” said Buffett in 2007. 

Research from Carnegie Mellon University has shown that who you choose to marry will be a contributing factor to your success in life. People with supportive spouses are “more likely to give themselves the chance to succeed.”  

More research by Brittany C. Solomon and Joshua J. Jackson of Washington University in St. Louis showed how a conscientious spouse can increase your income by $4,000 per year and make it more probable that you will get promoted.  

“Significant others can help you thrive through embracing life opportunities,” Brooke Feeney, lead author of the Carnegie Mellon study, told CNBC Make It. “Or they can hinder your ability to thrive by making it less likely that you’ll pursue opportunities for growth.” 

Bear in mind, it’s also important when on a date to try to ascertain if the person has various qualities regardless of you, as he or she will shape your home environment and how your children are brought up, when you are not around. Studies show that happiness, energy levels, confidence, humor, values are all being influenced by the spouse you choose.

One of the most important things in life is our happiness and a fair portion of it (studies suggest up to 40%) is a given fact^[1]. Try to look not just at how happy you could be together, but how happy your partner is  – regardless of you. That’s because many times that would be one of the things influencing your family atmosphere more than many other things.

In addition to our happiness level, our energy levels tend to act the same – and similarly one of the most important qualities of all  – our sense of humor. Studies suggest that this is the quality most females find as the single most attractive quality while males find confidence as the most attractive quality.

In addition to happiness, energy, confidence, and humor there is one more thing that tends to stay as is – that is if it is solid enough – our values. Most of us look for the right partner by commonalities concerning hobbies, preferences, and daily life habits, but studies suggest that couples with more similar values enjoy a happier marriage – even when they seem to be very different, hold opposite political views, and different sets of preferences^[2].

So, where is the issue?

One of the biggest difficulties of finding the right partners in life is the methods we use to find them – dating, apps, and messaging. Those have their “ceremonial rules” and tend to hide who we really are. A better way to consider who might be a good fit is to go out together for a less repetitive and more unexpected experience. Kind of a “joint venture” it can be an escape room, a trip in nature with common friends of both parties, or some attraction like ice skating. Anything that is more complicated than sipping a cup of coffee will do a good service. Even challenging yourselves with both of you sitting in a good Italian restaurant and ordering the long spaghetti noodles dish will equip you with a much better view of who you are dealing with and what might be the consequences…

It is probably enough to take some inspiration from one of the greatest love stories in the last few thousand years in order to get to the bottom of this.

While many of us get our candidates for potential partners to life by push notifications including filtered images, one of the most famous couples in the bible and the “father” of all tribes of one of the ancient nations still existing today had a different method.

It was told that Jacob’s wife – Rachel was selected because of her unprecedented response to Jacob’s messenger that arrived at a well in the desert and kindly asked to be provided with just a little water for himself.

Though he might have needed to wait for his turn and pump the water from the well by himself, Rachel’s answer was far beyond generous. I will provide you with water and for your camels too. 

Basically, Rachel took upon herself a full workday just to be extra polite and kind to the guest in the well. Now, hold it for a second and ask yourself how many chances you would have to demonstrate such nobility or witness one if you will keep sticking to coffee dates instead of the more challenging “Spaghetti dates”…. 

That means that she demonstrated unprecedented goodwill, diligence, hospitality, and a willingness to do far more than expected or being asked. The one single tendency that Jack Welch – the legendary CEO of GE points out that is the most important quality one needs to succeed in his career. So are we into considering the men and women we all choose based on those high standards or are we about to stick to an image and a Coffee date?